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So my "good days, bad days" answer to "how are you" doesn't cover it anymore, now that I'm seeing some patterns, getting a handle on the specifics of my symptoms. I've just come out of a two week slump which was starting to make me think I was doing worse than ever.
It's now been seven months since my head injury. I'm reading/flipping through Gail L Denton's Brainlash again. This year, it's the only book I've been able to (slowly, missing much) get through, cover to cover. I'm reading it again because (a) the library only had an earlier edition, and now I've got the latest one and (b) I don't remember what it said the first time around.
While "good days, bad days" is generally true, there are also good weeks and bad weeks for my brain, and good and bad brain days within (and relative to) both of those. But, according to the books, this is normal, and I should view bad weeks as "resting on the road to recovery" rather than backslidery.
Fair enough. So my brain's like the stock market. Fluctuates day to day, and even has longer periods of decline. But even taking into consideration the down-months and even down-years (talking about the stock market here, hopefully not my brain), there should be an overall uptick.
So here's where I am, roughly...
Phew! Naptime (not really; like most journal entries and such, I wrote this over a couple of days. Though I am tired...).
It's now been seven months since my head injury. I'm reading/flipping through Gail L Denton's Brainlash again. This year, it's the only book I've been able to (slowly, missing much) get through, cover to cover. I'm reading it again because (a) the library only had an earlier edition, and now I've got the latest one and (b) I don't remember what it said the first time around.
While "good days, bad days" is generally true, there are also good weeks and bad weeks for my brain, and good and bad brain days within (and relative to) both of those. But, according to the books, this is normal, and I should view bad weeks as "resting on the road to recovery" rather than backslidery.
Fair enough. So my brain's like the stock market. Fluctuates day to day, and even has longer periods of decline. But even taking into consideration the down-months and even down-years (talking about the stock market here, hopefully not my brain), there should be an overall uptick.
So here's where I am, roughly...
- Focus when reading/writing. This continues to be the big problem. I still can't read more than a few paragraphs at a time before I get tired and/or lose track of what I've read. Even writing blog entries and emails continue to take multiple days and are sloppier than I like.
And I miss things. Years ago, when I was taking sleep drugs off and on to help with the old insomnia, I had to make it personal policy to not go online after I took anything, else I'd send embarrassing/ill-advised responses to emails and such. I'm doing it again, missing the points of what people say and responding to incorrect assumptions, so that policy is back, almost 24-7. I almost never send something when I write it. I even have a waiting period with benign LJ comments. - Multithreading/multiasking. I'm easily overwhelmed. Got very frustrated at a stoplight recently (I was walking) when I couldn't figure out which way the red was for. Almost had it figured out, and then Jen (who's very patient with me, but this time she didn't know I was concentrating) said something and I had to start over.
This I think is the reason I have such a problem with words. I've realized that writing requires multiple trains of thought, from a sentence level (how do I communicate these multiple ideas with this character's voice, in such a way that it fits and flows between the previous and next sentence?) to a plotting level (how do I solve this story problem in a way that satisfies multiple requirements, including setting up the next story problem?).
The best I've been able to do is lightly revise and keep sending out earlier works. 75 submissions for the year so far, and I just broke the 550 total (over 9.5 years) yesterday. I've written/attempted/even sent out new work, but it all feels gimicky, one-trick. - Sequencing. Breaking things into smaller, step-by-step tasks helps. I thought learning how to draw would let me do that, but the figure drawing class I'm taking in Durham (or at least the teacher) encourages the incorporation of later steps into the first, if that makes sense. So I can't just do gesture drawing and then do volume and then the light and shadows. I have to work with the light when I'm doing gesture drawing, but my brain isn't really letting me.
I finally told him about my post concussion syndrome last week (I still feel like an attention whore when I mention it, and I'm still not sure whether that's any better than feeling like a flake), if only to let him know that I'm not willfully, rudely ignoring him; I just have to do things in smaller increments.
The drawing books I've been going through have allowed a more step-by-step approach. I hope so. There's already such a slim chance I'm capable of learning how to draw (this after multiple attempts when my brain _was_ firing on all cylinders); I'm certainly not capable of inventing a new learning method. - Since, over the last decade, I've measured time by how much I've accomplished... seven months feels like it's only been a few weeks. My father died at 53 and his dad about the same age. If this is a multi-year problem, I'm in trouble.
- Long term memory's slow, but I don't think terribly fractured. Most of the things I don't remember so well, even on my best days... I feel like I might have had trouble remembering them even if I hadn't been in the accident. I still pull plenty of blanks mid-sentence, but on a long enough timeline and if I don't get too frustrated, I do okay.
- Short term memory is messed up. You know how you sometimes can't remember whether you left the toaster on or whether you locked the door when you left the apartment? I feel like that all the time. I make lists. I cross things off I haven't done and forget to cross off the things I do (because I don't remember doing them). I think part of it's detachment. For many tasks, I get as much satisfaction out of writing something down as I do when actually doing it.
- Easily exhausted. A six hour work day made me useless for days. Which is probably why WisCon was so rough on me; I only lasted as long as I did because of the caffeine.
- Physical therapist and occupational therapist friends have suggested that, contrary to what the neurologists have said, there are things/exercises I could probably do (which was my initial philosophy until I was talked out of it). I talked to a friend of a friend who specializes in more traumatic brain injury, and she suggested I talk to a neuropsychologist or neuropsychiatrist (I can't read my handwriting), recommended somebody local. I thought I'd never heard of either profession before, but this week I've seen mentions of it in Brainlash. Whatever.
- Any brain-intensive task, including this one, takes a lot out of me. If I've sent you a brief email or whatever and you wrote back quickly, and I don't reply for a bit, then I'm probably still recovering from sending you that initial email. I have friends I haven't connected with in a while, a lot to say and such, and I want to make a real effort in coming weeks to get back with them in coming weeks. If I could connect with my old friend caffeine first, that'd make it sooo much easier...
Phew! Naptime (not really; like most journal entries and such, I wrote this over a couple of days. Though I am tired...).
I expect an answer to this comment after your requisite 24-hour waiting period. :D
Any time I think I can't simulate coherence, I stay the hell offline. Medicinal amounts of caffeine (which I've quit cold turkey) has helped in almost every area, but it affects me negatively more than I'm used to. And apparently I need sleep and recovery more than I need to be productive on off days.
Alex.
So hang on in there.
I do remember enjoying dinner, though having trouble remaining present.
Hope you get some answers & solutions soon....
Best wishes from another Clarion grad
Ted K.
XOR
aah, yes...the brain: resilient yet fragile
Re: aah, yes...the brain: resilient yet fragile
Wow, three years out of five! That's both daunting and encouraging to me. Good luck with the rest of your healing!
I appreciate your note.
Alex.